Christy and I were married in 1987. We were young, and save for a single hour session with the pastor officiating our wedding, had very few tools to navigate our marriage. Our mutual love and commitment carried us in those earlier years, but slowly cracks developed in our relationship. It was the common cycle of “fight, forgive, and forget.”
Over time those repeated cycles produced scars, and those scars slowly pulled us apart. Around year 8 of our marriage that approach became unsustainable and we nearly fell apart. Our reconciliation is a longer story than I will tell here, but by the grace of God (literally) we picked up the pieces and recommitted to doing better. It wasn’t easy or quick, but our marriage finally started moving toward what God intended: “The two shall become one for life." (Matthew 19:5-6.) It inspired the name of this ministry, and hence, the website.
We are passionate to share knowledge, experience, and wisdom with couples to better equip them with the helpful tools to navigate the complexity of marriage. Our approach is a form of discipleship designed to equip people to be closer to Jesus and closer to their spouse.
The goal of our coaching with couples explores how to thrive and grow in a marriage by focusing on four core areas of the relationship that we abbreviate to R.E.A.D. which are detailed below.
R – Relationship: (Covenantal, Not Contractual)
Marriage is a sacred bond built on a covenant, not a contract. Unlike a contract based on terms and conditions, a covenantal relationship is rooted in unconditional commitment, love, and mutual respect. This lifelong partnership calls for supporting and honoring each other, even when it’s hard. It fosters a deep, enduring connection beyond daily routines — a bond anchored in trust, understanding, and a shared journey through life’s seasons. Embracing this covenant creates a resilient, lasting relationship that can weather any challenge.
E – Expectations: (Clear and Shared)
Clear, shared expectations are essential for a harmonious marriage. Openly communicating hopes, dreams, and responsibilities helps align each partner’s vision for their life together. This understanding reduces conflict and increases synergy, ensuring both partners work toward common goals and support each other’s aspirations. Defined expectations serve as a roadmap, guiding couples to grow together rather than apart.
A – Accountability: (Mutual and Empowering)
Accountability in marriage means supporting and encouraging each other to honor commitments and nurture the relationship. It’s not about keeping score but fostering an environment where both partners feel valued and understood. Regular check-ins and honest communication help address challenges and celebrate successes. This mutual accountability strengthens the partnership and empowers both individuals to invest in the marriage’s growth and health.
D – Development:( A Place to Grow)
Marriage is a commitment to grow together. A dynamic relationship thrives when both partners seek opportunities for personal and mutual development. Challenges become catalysts for growth, and successes are milestones to celebrate. By prioritizing development, couples keep their marriage vibrant and adaptable to changing needs and dreams. This dedication to growth creates a lasting legacy of love that enriches their lives and those around them.
In addition to scripture, we use or refer to a number of recognized resources to equip our couples in awareness of each other and their partner. These include the following:
-Prepare & Enrich premarital assessment.
-Enneagram RHETI assessment
-Financial Peace University (Dave Ramsey)
-The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman)
Below you will find an outline and description of our course, including topics covered in each session. Because every couple is unique, we may spend more time on certain topics which may impact the path of progression. As such, be prepared but also be curious for what God might reveal in our time together.
Topic: Family of Origin.
The family dynamics we were raised in has a profound influence on our behaviors and reactions as adults. In this first session, we share the experiences of our upbringing.
Assessment resource: Prepare & Enrich results
Homework: Collectively develop four to six expectations for your marriage.
Topic: Expectations of Marriage.
Our overall satisfaction in marriage depends on the expectations we have, both of ourselves and our spouse. In the second session, each person will identify three primary expectations they need in the marriage relationship. (We will revisit these expectations in every session to determine if they have evolved or changed.)
Assessment resource: Prepare & Enrich results
Homework: Complete the Enneagram RHETI assessment
Topic: How well do you know yourself and your spouse?
Self-awareness of ourselves and our spouse enhances effective communication. If we understand our core motivations, it minimizes misunderstandings. Introduction to the 3-5 minute rule.
Assessment resource: Enneagram results
Homework: Learn and practice the 5 minute monologue.
Topic: What binds us and what might separate us?
Our marriage should always experience growth, which means change. If we can identify and encourage growth, the relationship will solidify and strengthen.
Assessment resource: Prepare & Enrich results
Homework: Start talking about your individual approach to handling money, and how you will do it as a couple.
Topic: What is your plan for handling your resources of time, talent and money?
Ultimately, marriage is about two people sharing and supporting each other in unity. It is done through sharing the resources of time, attention, and money. The approach to these resources ultimately defines the depth of unity.
Assessment resource: Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University
Homework: Develop a budget approach and plan and read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Topic: How do you understand and practice intimacy?
Intimacy is a multifaceted and complex concept that goes beyond sex. It encompasses a deep emotional, psychological, and physical connection between individuals that fosters a sense of closeness, vulnerability, and trust.
Assessment resource: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Homework: Revisit your shared marriage expectations.
Topic: How has your perception and expectations of marriage changed?
In this final time together, we will review everything that has been learned and practiced, as well as review strategies to avoid falling into old patterns.
A.B. DeBruyn
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